A Year Ago...

...Johnny and I spent our last night together. It doesn't seem that long ago. Of course I've thought of Johnny every day since then, and I usually remember him laughing and running around, just being a kid. It seemed as though he always wore a big smile, and there are so many good times to think of. I've tried not to think of his time in the hospital, but somehow that last night always seems to creep in. I'm grateful for every minute I had with Johnny, and that night a year ago is no different, but he was so sick, and so tired. He had been fighting so hard for so long, and I knew (even though I tried not to admit it) that he just didn't have much more fight left. Johnny was too sick to sleep that night so we stayed up and watched movies and a surf contest on the internet. He pretended to be interested, but often I would look over and catch him staring at me. When I would ask if he needed anything he would shake his head. He couldn't talk much, and as usual his thoughts were completely hidden. When Johnny finally fell asleep around 4 or 5 in the morning I stepped out to collect my own thoughts. I had been praying to God for years to help Johnny, and after he relapsed all I wanted was to get Johnny to a bone marrow transplant, and a cure, but it always seemed as though he had one hurdle after another placed in his path. It felt like he was in some weird type of tug-of-war. There were times while we were in the hospital that Johnny had almost died, and each of those times was horrible. Each of those times he pulled through (often to the amazement of his doctors), but the thought of him dying like that was more than I could bare. When I stepped out of the room for the first time I didn't pray for wellness, but only asked that if it was His will to take Johnny that he wouldn't continue to suffer. When I got back to the room Johnny was still asleep. I asked the doctor not to wake Johnny when she made her morning rounds because he finally seemed to be getting some rest. Not long after that Johnny quietly slipped into a coma, and passed later on the 23rd. Looking back on that night I think he was ready to go. I think he was just waiting until Julie and I were ready to let him go.

Johnny,

You were the bravest person I have ever known. I love you, and I miss you very much.

Love,

Dad